When I became a Christian at nineteen years old I was overwhelmed by the
love
Jesus had for me and wanted so much to love others too. But to my
horror
I found that I still had within me a terrible temper and
anorexia/bulimia which
I had suffered from since the age of thirteen.
I never realized how bad my temper was - until I had children and then I
found
I did not know how to look after them properly, discipline them and give
them
the love they deserved. I KNEW I SHOULD LOVE but something within me
hindered me into knowing HOW to love.
I felt really guilty and asked Social Services for help with my
children.
I was making myself sick about fourteen times a day and it was affecting
my
family. My husband didn't know how to help me and we had numerous rows
as
he banged on the bathroom door - trying to stop me being sick. It was
like a long nightmare.
I went in and out of hospital and I was humiliated by staff, force-fed
and
given all kinds of medication. But nothing worked. I felt like I
wasn't living in the real world - but in a Prison where I was held
captive and
I could never be free.
I cried to the Lord many times for help and always believed He heard my
prayers
- but often other Christians would make me feel worse and tell me I had
an evil
spirit or a demon and need deliverance. Then I became really afraid of
demons and after numerous deliverance prayers and long hours of talks on
demons
by our Pastoral Group - I had a complete breakdown. IT WAS TERRIBLE.
About eight years ago I left this Church. I was very ill with anorexia
and was told by the doctors I was dying. I had no Church. They had
laid down conditions I could not do and I was all alone.
I went into a Catholic Church to buy something and a priest was coming
out of Mass.
I asked him
to pray for me - and he said he would. Then he said he would help
me. I was very anti-Catholic but I felt led to go and see him.
I became a Catholic six months later, my husband and mum joined also and
I have
been there eight years. Three years ago I was totally healed. I had
suffered from an eating disorder for thirty-five years and now I AM
TOTALLY
FREE. I never knew what it was to be totally free - not to be obsessed
by
food. I started to play the organ, draw and I could concentrate on
things. I never could do that before. SO - WHAT HELPED ME TO BE
FREE?
Here is some advice I feel God would want me to share with you - so you
can be
instrumental in being used to heal emotionally damaged people. I know
for
me healing was a very long journey but some things really hindered it
and some
things moved it on. I don't want anyone to be fed with the unhelpful
advice I was given and brought to a point of feeling worthless and
suicidal
like I was - because I was given false-guilt by well-meaning but not
Spirit-led
Christians. God does not tear down - He builds up. He does not
discourage - but encourages. So here are a few things I would like you
to
reflect on.
The word SHOULD is a word I no longer apply to myself. This is laying
down rules that I cannot always adhere too- then I am overwhelmed by
guilt. Instead I can now accept myself as I am. I
realise I am saved because Jesus died for me and no matter what I do -
God will
always love me - FOR GOD IS LOVE. I do not have to EARN God's love.
I love Him because He first loved me and sent Jesus to die for me so
that I
could know everlasting life. Big relief!
I came to understand where I was coming from. The Holy Spirit helped me
to see that I was an emotionally damaged child within an adult body who
did not
know how to love.
My father was very violent and domineering and my mother was mentally
ill. I was not allowed to ever communicate my feelings or opinions.
I lived in fear of my father and felt a burden to my mother as she
always
sighed and complained about how hard things were and how she wished she
had
stayed single and not had children. I was the youngest out of three
sisters and our house was full of fear.
I remember when I was very small feeling too frightened to make a noise
or
move. My dad never liked noise. If I left a door open by mistake I
had to write lots of lines and meal times were full of terror. My mum
and
dad both had terrible tempers and we never went to Church. I never knew
about Jesus and I felt so lonely. Christmas and Easter were the worst
times
because my dad would be at home and all we ever did was eat and watch
TV.
I didn't understand what these traditions were all about. I just knew
they were times of violence and depression.
Then we were abused sexually - my middle sister and I and nothing was
done. My dad just told them off. But having to walk down the road
and pass the abusers daily whilst having to act as though everything was
fine
became too hard to bear. My sister developed epilepsy and I developed
anorexia. I found it numbed my feelings and I no longer felt any
pain. I was in a world of nothingness. I stopped growing
emotionally and had a seven year old damaged child's mind in an adult
body.
I knew something was wrong because I always felt small and afraid of
adults and
I always wanted to be free of all curves. I starved myself trying to
get
rid of any curves on my body. I detested them. I was like it for
years. I never could accept I was an adult. I always felt like a
child crying within.
When I was healed I realised that because I hadn't had emotional
stability and
encouraging love shown to me - as my parents didn't know it for
themselves -
then I could only act and behave the way I had been brought up and my
temper
was a result of self-hate for who I was.
God brought me to a place where I understood how my background had
affected me
and through Psycho-Dynamic Therapy by a Christian Counsellor and a
listening
ear by the priest - the little crying child within grew up emotionally.
I
got to a point where I became an "adult" within and was able to shake
the hand of peace with myself and forgive myself for all the bulimia and
hurtful things I had said and done. I ACCEPTED MYSELF. I REALISED I
NEVER COULD BE PERFECT AND I ALLOWED MYSELF TO TAKE THE KEY FROM JESUS -
OPEN
THE PRISON I HAD PUT MYSELF IN FOR PROTECTION - AND WALK OUT A FREE
PERSON.
Everybody has seen the difference - especially my family as I go out and
have
meals with them and do things I never could do before. I am very
anti-diet now and realise the danger of dieting magazines for teengers.
I
like to share the Good News of Jesus to everyone - especially young
people
because I never want any child to feel unwanted and abandoned like I
did.
I WANT EVERY CHILD TO KNOW THEY ARE NOT ALONE. GOD IS THERE FOR
THEM. How I wish I had known that!
There is so much more I could say. But I would have to write a book
just
to cover a bit. I am 55 years old now and for 52 of them it was a
prison
of darkness. But now I am in the light and I am totally free. So
many people gave up on me because I was ill for such a long time. But
thank God He never gave up on me and always brought someone to help me.
The pain I felt for 52 years was just as painful at 52 as it was when I
was
shaking with fear at 2 years old.
I thank God for setting me free and I know that God can do miracles.
But
sometimes God allows things into our lives so we can develop character
and
perseverance. I now see myself as very blessed and the 52 years of
suffering have turned out to be blessings for me and the "thorns" of
the past has become "roses". PRAISE
GOD.
